And Now For Something Completely Different - Hope for Co-Dependents
- Pat Birnie
- Aug 7
- 3 min read
I seem to have veered into a black hole lately where all I blog about is aging. Aging can be wonderful, if life is lived with joy and enthusiasm. Really, what is the alternative? Not aging of course means not being here so I will let it go (for now).
Let's talk about mindset instead. I often hear women say that they have reached an age where they don't care one bit about other people's opinions of them. I believe I can check that that one off. Thinking back to my younger years (teens for sure, even 20's and 30's) I shake my head when I think of how much I worried about what people's opinion of me. What a waste of energy!
I believe the cure for that occurred in my 40s when my life was such a mess that other people's opinions were the least of my worries. I had exited an alcoholic marriage with four young kids, very little money, and a lot of guilt. It seems like there is nothing like a train wreck of a life to get past caring how your house looks! If my children were fed and dressed (LOTS of hand-me-downs) and I paid my bills, everything else was unimportant. I had wonderful friends and family that supported and loved me, and most of all, I never felt judged. For that, I will always be grateful.
Those kids are all grown now and, for the most part, doing well. Of course, they have 'adult' problems. I have a wonderful life that I never would have dreamed of 30 years ago. What's the problem, one might ask. I spent many years dealing with one crisis after another, trying to fix everything, make everyone happy and 'ok'. It seems that has become a bit of a habit with me. The "trying to fix everything and make everyone ok" part is the issue.
Reality is that not only can I not fix everything, it's not my job! I can support, listen, be a shoulder to cry on, provide advice when asked for it, but that's where my responsibility ends. I know all of this on a logical level, but my gut doesn't seem to get it. When anyone in my family has a problem, or if there is a small conflict, it affects me way more than it should! And remember we have a big blended family (total 22 people from the old grandma & grandpa down to the youngest one) so there is always something going on!
Progress has definitely been made! Looking at the definition of a codependent person, you'll see words like "low self esteem, people pleaser, overly controlling". No, maybe and not really, haha. Truly, the challenge is that issues involving my loved ones cause me to feel a low level of anxiety; you know, that uneasy feeling in your gut that just lingers. And sometimes it lingers for far too long. This cannot be healthy, and it is not a pleasant feeling. The positive is that I used to lose sleep over when this happened, but rarely do now. I just need to learn to really let go of the things I can't control, all the way from my brain to my gut. I say the serenity prayer, breathe deeply, go for walks and all the other little tricks but that feeling lingers. What else can I do?
Am I alone in this? Interestingly, I started writing this blog sort of knowing what I wanted to explore, but not sure where I was going with it. I just thought, typed, looked a few things up and guess what? I turned into a bit of a self-therapy session. Can I shake that feeling? We shall see.
Is this something you deal with? I'm curious how common this is and would love some feedback. That's all for now folks!
Pat xo
Hi Pat,
I love this post and most often mine are also just a thought, then my fingers typing. Look at you, creating therapy for all of us, including you. Love that picture of those beautiful children.
Fortunately for me, at this current time there is no drama, nothing to fix in my family. Also, it's a much smaller population than yours so, there isn't too much going on at once.
Co-dependency. This is something that resonates with me when I was a teenager, being raised by an alchoholic, bi-polar father. I imagine, if he were still alive, I'd probably have some drama, issues, etc...